a blur between fantasy and reality

I'll preface this one with a warning- this is a disconnected grouping of thoughts, and definitely not the type of content intended, but it's going to happen tonight because I feel a need to share with the three people that might ever read this blog. An article in the New York Times discussed the falling-down of professions, namely lawyers and doctors, stated the following:

'One doctor responding to the American College of Physician Executives survey wrote: "I find it necessary about once every month or two to stay in bed for 24 to 48 hours. I do this on short notice when I get the feeling I might punch somebody." '

I can identify. I have the desire to physically take out my anger on a person on a regular basis, but I don’t take off work… I simply pretend it’s not there. However, lately I’ve been violently lashing out in my dreams, both at night as well as during the day when I zone out in my car during a long commute, or while I stare at the wall during a meeting at work. In my dreams, it’s all justified. Someone said something to offend me on purpose, or a stranger hurts a friend, or tries to hurt me, then I have permission to kick some ass. Granted, in my dreams, my violent outbursts are reminiscent of a movie-worthy ninja fight scene. Charlie’s Angels would be a good comparison, because my imaginary fighting ability is nowhere near that of Jackie Chan. Plus, the Angels get to wear fun costumes. In reality, I’m 5’2 and ¾ and my lack of physical strength would do little against an attacker. This would suggest that I need a “mental health day”… in all honesty, it’s nothing that a violent outburst followed by some hot chai and a piece of charcoal and paper can’t fix... I can tell you though, it’s a strangely liberating feeling to fully imagine kicking someone (who deserves it) in the face and watching them fall to the ground in defeat. Then I blink, and realizing the “someone” is still standing in between me and the coffee machine, taking their sweet time while asking me the same question they’ve asked me eight times before… it’s really as if there were two of me: one real, and one person I would like to momentarily be every now and then.

We all have unexplainable dreams from time to time, so I paid no attention to the increasing frequency until recently. I figured it out. So many people, including those closest to me, assume that I am this quietly delicate thing that needs protection from sarcasm and careless behavior. I'll be the first to admit that yes, some have taken advantage, but I've learned from those instances. I am quiet because I observe people. I assess situations before I speak or act, which is mistaken for shyness and innocence. Laura never wanted to be sarcastic around me because she thought it would hurt my feelings. I still don't understand where that reasoning came from. She does say though, that I am too smart for my own good, and sometimes "too deep or insightful for other people to handle." That may be true... at any rate, lately I've been drawn to proving to the outside world that I can handle anything thrown my way: [insert violent daydream here]. However, I can see why people view me this way. I'm not denying that I'm initially a quiet person, and I will admit to my naivety to an extent. There are things in my past that I do not share, and those things speak to my ability to handle particular situations. I'm not as fragile as people may think, but I'm an "adult," and I've decided that there's no need to outwardly attempt to prove myself. I'll stick with my white and pink snow jacket and pants, and get the "pretty" snowboard because I LIKE IT, and if anyone wants to say it's girly and dainty in any way... well they can just do that, I don't care anymore. I can be bad ass...(mike don't laugh) When I do reach the point of genuine anger in real life (which doesn't happen that often), the few who have witnessed it can attest to my ability to be hard core and not be someone you wanna mess with.

I think in the winter I tend to change my mind a lot. Sometimes I'll be very quiet and crave solitude. The next day I'll have giddy energy and want to be around all my favorite people and go out and have a crazy night. In the middle of that crazy night I may change my mind again and just want to sit outside and take a break. I make spur of the moment decisions and don't think of any repercussions. This can be good and bad. I do like to live in the moment, and enjoy what I can, when I can, because I'm young and it's worth it to have those experiences. I had a friend who was the one for me, at a time. We both needed that friendship then, and it served its purpose. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't regret anything, and to be honest, I appreciate my friends looking out for me the way they do; they have my heart. I owe them my sanity at some level as well, I'm sure. I am what I am, and I enjoy it.